ADMIRATION
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and by what you reinforce. - Tony Gaskins
“It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all beings with love, admiration and respect.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
Admiration- respect and warm approval. pleasurable contemplation.
THE GENUINE ARTICLE
Choosing to respect and approve of yourself are incredibly important practices in the cultivation of genuine love of self. When you respect yourself you naturally attune to your own internal nature. Respecting yourself is always a choice. It is a natural outpouring of self-admiration (warm approval). You can begin to make respectful choices by checking in with yourself. Take a moment to ask “Is this choice helping or hindering my commitment toward loving myself?”
Perhaps you’ve noticed that I like coming at self-love from all angles imaginable. I want to invite you to harness your energy and notice if you are leaking any energy. Anything that isn’t supportive of you increasing real lasting love for yourself is an energy leak. Leaking energy can show up in many ways such as holding grievances towards another, owing someone money, being owed money, thinking negatively about another, thinking deprecating thoughts about yourself etc. Take an inventory regularly to be sure your precious energy is being well maintained.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Chances are if you frequently find yourself demanding respect from another person you are somehow, unconsciously, teaching them that they don’t have to respect you. You may be showing them in some way either verbally or non-verbally that you don’t respect you. When you respect yourself you command respect. It is a basic expectation, it feels both calm and non-negotiable. When you respect yourself you no longer demand respect from another. Conversely, when you don’t respect yourself you demand it. It’s like a toddler demanding what they want in a dramatic tantrum. When you do not have respect for yourself you require it from others. Begin to be aware of how you are creating this without realizing it — and from that place you can take inventory for how you are showing yourself respect or disrespect and how that is being reflected back to you and adjust accordingly.
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Let me illustrate the difference between demanding and commanding respect. Let’s say that you are miffed because someone texts you at 11pm about work. You react by demanding that they respect you and your "off time" or family/ sleep time. But let's take a step back and look at where you may have allowed this in the past or in other ways that lead to this moment. Have you responded to late night texts from this person before? Or on weekends? Have you ever expressed to them that you don't communicate about work via text or past a certain hour? Where have you demonstrated to that person that you don't respect your "off time".
Demanding respect looks like:
A) telling them in no uncertain terms to respect your time off and never text you after 8pm ever again!
B) getting riled up, miffed, and reacting in a dramatic fashion
Commanding respect look like:
A) not responding to work messages after hours or on weekends. No exceptions.
B) simply state — without explanation — that you will reply when you're back in the office in the morning or on Monday.
C) communicate calmly and kindly that when you are outside the office that you don't communicate about 'work'.
Do you see the difference? When you take responsibility for your boundaries and your experience it doesn't have to be dramatic and confrontational. You can be calm and clearly demonstrate to others what it looks like to respect you. Ask for what you want and speak your truth with kindness. You are always teaching others how to treat you.
EXERCISE
Journal questions for deeper insight:
Can you admire your work ethic, your self care, your diet, your activity, the way you treat others, the way you treat yourself, the way you engage with people you come into contact with at the grocery or on the highway, or the automobile repair shop?
What about you do you most admire?
In what areas of your life do you seek the approval of others?
Where would you be less likely to seek approval if you were approving of yourself?
How might approving of yourself affect the way you relate to others?
In what ways might your life look different if you were to warmly approve of yourself, your opinion, your wants, your needs, your emotions, moods and preferences?
Reflection on these questions is designed to help you see where you can increase your “self approval rating.” To course correct you must first see where course correction is needed. Course correction is always available to you. Begin again, changing patterns is a process and with practice comes progress.